I was married for over 10 years and was with my husband for a total of 15 years. Our marriage was plagued with problems from the very beginning. The biggest issues? His excessive drinking and our lack of intimacy due to his sexual abuse history as a child, which I did not find out until eight years into our relationship. I tried to leave many times, but I had problems of my own. Raised by an abusive mother, who tried to kill me once, I had serious self esteem issues an a morbid fear of being alone. Despite appearing held together and successful, I was prone to compulsive spending, withdrawal, and chronic depression. I once seriously considered killing myself when I was 27 years old. Despite my fear of being and dying alone, I was a loner for most of my life. I had serious abandonment issues and this made it difficult for me to relate to people at a deep level, especially with men. But there was this voice in me nagging to do something with my life, nagging me to leave my great-on-paper but in reality miserable marriage.
So many times I tried to leave, but my fear held me back. I tried everything, even organized religion. I started to pretend I was happy. But soon it simply would not work anymore. That nagging voice inside me grew louder and louder… I started to mentally prepare for a divorce. I set aside most of my income. I started looking for apartments. I became psychologically single! With my years of skills as a business woman, I put my financial house in order. All my assets were neatly listed on a spreadsheet, complete with details of my own assets and my husband’s down to the penny. I mapped out an exit strategy. All this from talking to countless divorcees and their horror stories of how their husbands locked them out of their checking accounts, and not able to survive on their own. I was ready, except I could not bring myself to leave… Years went by.
Finally I went to a self help conference organized by the religion I was practicing. On the last night of the conference, I was talking to some women I just met about our plans for the future. We came to the conclusion that in order for a new future to unfold, we must face ourselves inwardly, with courage. It was then I had an amazing experience. In my mind’s eye, I looked inside myself and saw this door. It was black as coal. Suddenly I was gripped with fear. I know all the personal issues I was unwilling to face and address were behind this door. I could blood draining from my face. I felt paralyzed. As I opened that door in my mind’s eye, tears started streaming down my face. I sobbed, in front of a table full of practical strangers. Strangely, everything started to shift after that night. It as if I opened Pandora’s box that night and I couldn’t close it afterwards. But it was another 19 months before I finally did what I thought was impossible.
One cold January day soon after New Year, I sat in bed one morning, wrapped in blankets, and allowed all my fears to surface. I started to shake. I felt life draining from my body. I could not move. But something inside me told me to just feel this fear, in its full force. So I did… Miraculously, my fears, as intense as they were, began to slowly subside, without me trying to suppress or subdue them. Blood slowly returned to my limbs. A few days later I told my husband I was leaving him. He was angry, and hurt. He became verbally abusive. This time I again allowed myself to feel the fears that surfaced. Then I did something I never did before. I fought back, with logic and reason. I stood up for myself. A few weeks later I moved out. It was as if the whole universe was behind my decision. Everything went smoothly. I did not even hire an attorney since I was so prepared.
Since then, I have mastered the process of releasing my negative emotions, namely fears, uncertainties, doubts, and insecurities. My energy healing training also allowed me to hear those emotions. The most important thing to remember, however, is that your emotions can’t hurt you. If you allow them to surface without subduing or stuffing them back down into your sub-conscious, you would find that you are soon liberated from them. Find the courage to do that. Then with careful planning to protect yourself financially, and seeking counseling help when you can’t find the courage to do it alone, you can also leave behind an unhappy life and start a new one. Just like I did.
